You Better Carry That Weight

Weird day today. A friend, a good friend who I’ve known for decades expressed “worry” that I might drop dead from being fat. Actually she said: “I worry about you” and then proceeded to tell me that another friend wanted to do an “intervention” which I later found out was not true.

It was handled so cavalierly. It wasn’t a “sit down” or an intimate conversation. She said it in passing, almost as an aside in the middle of a phone conversation. We weren’t even talking about weight. It caught me off guard. I think it was shitty especially since I go out of my way to make this woman feel good about her appearance at every possible moment.

My reaction surprised me. I didn’t react on the phone but almost immediately after I hung up I got really upset and very hurt. I started crying. Then I got angry. On the one hand, I assumed it came from genuine concern, on the other hand I was like “Thanks for caring, fuck you for sharing!”

The truth is I have gotten huge. I know it. I know that I use food as a balm, a way to feel good. I know the underlying reasons, at the very least I acknowledge that I have a problem. Hell, I talk about it every day. Recently, I decided to do something about it. I have been cutting back on food intake and strategizing on what physical activity I should attempt with the wounded knee and all. I have lost nine pounds. I decided to take a quiet approach this time. No more proclamations to the world about my weight loss routine. Maybe I need to shout it out to the world so they won’t think I’m oblivious to my plight.

But back to my feelings about being called out on my weight. I am going through all kinds of emotions: paranoia, suspicion, anger, pain, sadness. I feel wounded, set-back a notch and self conscious. I don’t want to go back to wondering if everyone comments about how heavy I’ve become. I don’t even want to go down that road where I try to imagine what they are all saying about me. I don’t hate her for what she said but I am not feeling the urge to be around her anytime soon. Funny thing is she had a relative do the same thing to her about her drinking and she felt these same exact emotions. We discussed it.

Maybe it was her approach that left me so wounded. Maybe a person shouldn’t express concern over a serious matter of such a personal nature over the phone at work. I am trying not to feel anger at her because I know it is an issue and this concern has been expressed to me before in loving ways and mean spirited ways as well. I didn’t know I would be such a wimp about this issue. I had forgotten that it was a source of such deep pain for me – so much emotion. Guess I’ve been covering it up for years.

She hit the proverbial raw nerve.

As my mama used to say: “a hit dog will holler”

However, I refuse to let this bullshit keep me down. I am who I am. Luckily, I have a huge group of loving supporters (Thank goodness for Facebook) who helped lift my spirits until I found my power base again.

Yeah, I’m a fat bitch. I know this.

I’m also fabulous.