The Adventures of Permanent Lifestyle Change Girl – It’s On!
I am back at it. I have had so many false starts that I refrained from posting about my latest effort to lose weight. But it’s been several weeks now and after losing 16 pounds I am formally declaring:
I am obese. I am a fat ass bitch and I’m sick of it. Folks get upset when I call myself fat. They even argue wih me:
“You’re not fat!” to which I respond: Remind me to never believe another word that comes out of your mouth again! I weigh over 300 pounds! I’m fat! face it!
I get it. People have long said and believed in the “power of words” and they somehow think that if I keep saying I’m Fat! that I will magically be “fat” forever. It doesn’t work that way. I am technically obese whether I say it or not and no matter how often I might say: “I’m not fat, I’m beautiful!” I will remain obese until I take steps to change my lifestyle – permanently. It’s not a bad word, “Fat” and the “ass” add-on part is just part of my humor. I am just being honest. I hate being fat. I just hate it! Obesity is an existence, a state of being that I have experienced off and on (mostly “on”) for close to thirty years. It didn’t happen because I wasn’t being positive. It happened because I eat high calorie, high fat foods and I am sedentary. I created this body and now I am taking action to change it.
I have been watching my food intake for several weeks now and it has been successful. I have done this lifestyle change twice. Each time involved changing my eating habits and working out. I lost 95 pounds in one year in 1991 and gained it back. I lost 110 pounds between 2002-2004 and gained that back plus some. That is where I am starting from this time in 2013.
I have been counting calories. I keep a daily fitness diary using an app on my iphone called “MyFitnessPal.” It’s amazing. I downloaded it last Spring but when I looked at the daily food diary and thought about recording my food intake – well, let’s just say: “I put it aside!” Remember when one of my dearest friends tried to tell me that she was worried about my weight? (see post: You Better Carry That Weight) I didn’t want to hear it. I was hurt and upset and I knew she was right but I just wasn’t ready or committed to take on the task.
Let me tell you – it is a task. I am constantly fighting the urge to eat bad foods daily, hourly and especially at night. Nighttime eating is the worst! And add to the fact that I am a secret binge eater. Well, it’s not that much of a secret because I am huge! HA! However being accountable to myself is the best way to go. I am training myself to stop and consider what I am going to eat each day. I am eating fruit and veggies as much as possible. I am drinking water (no more soda pop) and recording my water intake every day. I wake up every morning and think about what I will eat so I have a goal. It’s painstaking and systematic but it’s working.
I realize that I have to stop doing many things I love, like drinking. I love to drink alcohol. I love to get drunk but I know now that all of my food inhibitions disappear when I am drunk. Some folks get drunk and fight or have sex with strangers. I get drunk and go to McDonald’s or eat an entire pizza. So no boozing. Sure, I can have a couple drinks but I never want “just a couple” drinks! The movie theater is a bad place for me also. Popcorn, soda, hot dogs – I’m like a junkie at a crack house! I am jonsing for a food fix. Thankfully, now these venues post the caloric content of the foods they sell and that did help me on my last visit to the movies. But Lawdy – the temptation is great! I know that I can indulge occasionally. I know the saying: “all things in moderation” and all that shit and maybe I will fall off the wagon but what I have learned is – like an addiction to drugs or alcohol – I can not give in to my food compulsions because it will lead to me going off the path to better health. And I can not give up.
I am setting small goals. I don’t say to myself: “I will never drink or eat fattening foods again!” I say: “I am not having four drinks and eating french fries today.” I am taking it urge by urge. And it’s working.
I am happy about this. It’s going to be a hard journey but I’ve done it before. And I am doing it again.
Next step: Exercise! Did I mention that I built a fully equipped gym in my house that is now covered in clothes and dust?
It’s time to get busy!
Today is a good day.
Tags: binge eating, diet & exercise, fat, iphone, Lynne Jordan, lynne jordan & the shivers, lynne jordan and the shivers, MyFitnessPal App, obesity, personal growth, weight control, weight issues, weight loss, will power, women's body image
Filed under: In the Life of a Diva