I was feeling a bit pathetic on the eve of my birthday. I was feeling guilty and stressed and pressured. This show biz crap is weird. I love it when a job is well done but I am fairly stressed before a show of any kind at almost any level. It’s not that I don’t think I can sing, nor do I doubt my talent and abilities but I think my innate shyness and insecurity can be almost paralyzing. The idea of constantly facing the prospect of getting up there in front of the world, putting myself out there and (and y’all know I don’t mean this literally) exposing myself is a bit scary. That is the real truth of me. I am not naturally an extrovert. I am not an exhibitionist. I would rather hide my soul, my physical self and sexuality than flaunt it at any point in time in this universe. When I sing, I am going for broke. I just throw it out there – often on instinct – at the spur of the moment – all of the humor, the banter and often the songs I choose to sing are decided in the moment. And up until the moment I open my mouth to sing I would rather be anywhere else in the world. And that’s the truth. No wonder I’m crazy. No wonder I haven’t done a one woman show.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I am never more happy than after a great show. I am never more whole than after a great performance. I am never more empowered than when I am before an audience doing my thing well. I believe that entertaining and connecting with an audience is like making magic. And I am way into magic. I want to make them sing, laugh and cry out loud. I want them to let themselves go and dance. I love making a party happen. I love feeling that moment when the seal is broken and the party takes on that “thing.’ And it happens all the time when I sing with my great band.
However, I find myself craving approval – not for the glory but for the “job well done” like a pat on the head – “good doggy, I love you!” And I am always surprised in some way when it happens. My friends often laugh at my surprise when it all goes well.
Life is weird on my planet: “I’m the greatest and nothing at all, all at the same time.” I don’t crave the attention, I’d rather shy away from it. But when I sing I get attention and people make a fuss. I mean it’s all so natural for me (the singing, the stage presence, the charisma) what’s the big deal? It embarrasses me when people make a fuss, but I’d be crushed if they didn’t make some kind of fuss.
What gives? I know there’s some psych speak for what I am saying. If you know it please comment below.
Remember, I didn’t choose showbiz. Showbiz chose me. And it won’t leave me be. And I can’t give it up. Drugs, food, love, booze and show biz – all the same thing.
I have got to adjust my power bracelets!!
