Now you can imagine that I have a lot to say about this. My one woman show is being written about body weight issues and fat: love it or hate it – WTF.
I will be the first to say: Aretha is fat. Aretha is really fucking fat.
And I am beginning to think she don’t give a damn. She said so. I’m not completely convinced but hey… she wears them dresses showing them big titties and arms and hell, on one hand I’m like “Go Aretha, fuck them haters!” On the other hand I feel like cringing and pissing & moaning like the rest of the fat haters, whilst being a fat broad myself!
But what gets me is how she set the tongues a wagging because she said she is proud of who she is and has finally accepted her body. She said she spent decades of her youth trying to be slim – starving herself – losing & gaining weight. I feel her pain. I have gone thru it twice now. I never felt starved. But watching the food intake and working out regularly was like my second job. It was though I was fighting a drug or alcohol addiction.
I have been struggling with the issue of body acceptance and weight for years especially after my last weight loss / regain situation. It has been a source of pain, regret, self hate and yes, even shame for years now -especially after my last weight gain.
I don’t want to hate my body. I want to love myself all over but then does that mean I give up “the fight?, ” the battle to lose weight & get “fit”? That doesn’t sound like a bad thing: I want to get “fit.” But the fat body is “not fit” and so I must not want “it” (the fat body) My friend Brenda says: Love who you are now and if you want to be someone different – make the change – So, does one like the “fat body” until it becomes the “fit body” then all is well?Which sounds great in theory. And while I was losing the weight last time, I don’t recall consciously hating my old body, but I know that I was never fully satisfied with what my body was becoming.. yeah, it was smaller but it was still too big and then OOPS! I’m right back where I started from…
There is a shame of being heavy but loving oneself “as is” seems to be a bad thing also. I read a comment about Aretha that blasted her for “accepting” her current sized self. “It promotes bad health and habits – To be obese is to give oneself a death sentence.” GEEZ!!
Ok, so maybe one can not be as fat as Aretha by living on Tofu and other low fat foods and being active, but I don’t see how her self acceptance denies or discourages anyone else from making healthy food/life choices. Isn’t condemning her for accepting (and dare I say it, being proud of ) her body, the same as saying: Fat Bitches do not accept that body because it’s unhealthy to do so and thus you are in denial and are killing yourself. Don’t the medical facts prove this? And so fat people, smokers and heroin addicts unite. We are all in the same boat. Fuck that!
Now I know the truly healthy thing is to say “Fuck them haters!” But the reality is that you are left with a huge amount of insecurity and a heavy heart. I know many of you, especially the men are like: Fat is gross! See what I mean?
Lucky for me, I have a job where sometimes it really doesn’t matter how fat I am… it is actually a cliche (the big black soul singer) BUT who doesn’t want to be admired? I want to be comfortable in my own skin and I even noted in My Business Class Blog that I felt encumbered by my current bulk.. I am a strong, fairly secure person and somewhat successful person but this weight thing… Look at Oprah!! Queen Latifah and Roger Ebert – all people who are or have been “obese” who are extremely successful.
Don’t misunderstand me. I have always been very realistic about losing weight. You just have to do it and stop fucking whining about it. Diet & exercise is the way to go. I have done it that way. But I see and know and feel the pain of those who can not see it through. It is never a permanent solution if you have the “eating thing.” Sorry, that’s just the fucking truth. And the battle never ends and some people have a lot of success at it and some do not. Those of us who do not are fucked… up.
Which brings me to Leonard Nimoy’s (yes Mr. Spock) new book of photos called “The Full Body Project” It is an entire book of nude photographs of really large (see fat) women. It is amazing. Leonard Nimoy’s Photo site At first you may be repulsed by it – if you can’t see past the “fat” But it made me think: Why not? Why aren’t these women beautiful even to me? Who has the right to tell anyone they are too big or too small to be beautiful. Maybe Aretha has the right idea…?
I dunno, I ate a salad for lunch today in any case. Today I love myself just fine.