Oops. My bad. On March 22 I posted about my plans to get into shape for my NYC club debut at City Winery NY on July 2. I must be accountable, even if it is to cyberspace. And now it’s time to check in. I worked at it. Lost quite a few pounds and then … well, I reckon I just plum forgot. I reckon I just didn’t give a damn for a few weeks. I think it was watching myself on video that prompted my last weight related post. Today’s post was prompted by my condition after some walking I did this past weekend. We aren’t talking miles here folks – but it was a lot for me. I hadn’t fully realized the consequences of being sedentary for so long. I was dripping with sweat, out of breath and totally miserable but I was also filled with a small sense of triumph in the end.
It’s so hard to explain why I keep falling off the wagon. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t have the “eating thing.” I know I need to lose weight. I know I must exercise. I know it is vital to my health. I know that as a performer I need to have energy. I know that I need to be in shape if I want to perform with physicality and dancing. I know that if I want to sing without sounding out of breath then I need to be in shape. So what’s the hold up? I have to be honest with myself. There is a lot going on in my life. There are stresses everywhere. I know that my weight is in direct correlation to my mental state. I’m not totally crazy but I got some shit I need to deal with and I have been avoiding those issues just like I have avoided my health. Trust me, at this stage in the game my weight is a matter of health more so than vanity even though I admit I hate looking this huge. Hell, I have friends telling me they are worried about me because of the weight. In between wanting to tell them to “fuck off” – I also agree with them. It’s all quite depressing and painful – just ask my knees!
I also love to eat. I have the ability to binge eat. And I eat to avoid dealing with the other stuff. That goes for drinking and shopping too. OY Vey! So much to do! But today is a new day. By the way, I have to mention that I have been thinking of going to my favorite cafe the entire time that I have been writing this. Food is something I can get my hands on and from which I can get immediate satisfaction, unlike money, success, or writing a play. It’s easier.
But I refuse to give up.
Here’s to another day of starting over. Here’s to a new day of paying attention to my body and my health and everything else.
I’m telling you: Eating is easier.
However, I know that nothing worth having comes easily.
