My constant battle of the bulge is more like the battle to conceal the bulge. I have mastered the fine art of “hiding my physical flaws” which include: my arms, my thighs, and my belly. I gained some weight. I gained enough weight that I can see the difference from photos taken two years ago. My face is fuller, my back thicker but the biggest change is my hanging belly. This sucker is new to me. I have been heavier before but I think my advanced age has messed with the elasticity of my skin … or something.
In my constant fight to love myself vs lose some fucking weight has been constant. It was easier to love my body when I was younger. But now my rolls signify pain – literally. My for joints have had enough. I have struggled with the osteoarthritis – aggravated by weight, but now I have lower back pain and a recurring bout of back spasms which I know are aggravated by weight. Don’t worry, I have taken steps. I have gotten my ass (and belly) back to the gym with my Trainer Jeremy. My uncontrollable eating habits are another story. Back to my belly. She -yes, my belly is feminine – hangs low over the tops of my thighs. She shows in my pants. It is shocking to me. And I have been horrified by the constant photographs (from my gigs) where it shows. My horror and shame at my belly have made me do stupid shit like deleting photographs taken of me singing at the Chicago Blues Festival. Some of the greatest live music and Blues shooters in the world were there and when I walked out in full regalia: boa, fringed bottom gown, tasteful gladiator sandals all finished off with my best fun colorful jewelry and a red person (fan) – I was a vision after a day of blue jean-clad Bluesmen in hats and guitars. The photographers piled into a bunch in front of me – I could hear the click of their shutters, I could see their smiles. It was so cool until I saw the photographs. I was shrouded in a black duster – just enough to cover… my belly but unfortunately the wind blew or I got adjusted because almost every photograph featured (in my mind) that bottom roll of my belly. I was horrified and so I quickly deleted them all – beautifully captured moments gone because I could not stand seeing my belly.
That was in June. I have since had time to get used to seeing myself in photos – belly and all – without screaming. See, I have to thank Instagram and the body positive, fat acceptance moment. These influencers are super fat women and they are wearing bikinis for goodness sake! It has taken me a while but I realize that no one thinks I have a flat stomach because I cover it with draped clothing, long dusters and the like. Now I ain’t about to go gallivanting in a bikini in public but I will not be deleting any high-end photographs because I can’t stand the way my body looks in clothes. I am who I am and I must learn to accept – with love- my rolls. I don’t plan to stay at this weight. I am changing my body. I like it better when I am strong and fit and these last 40 pounds have got to go just to get back to where I want to start. These last added pounds are the difference between labored breathing and comfort. I have returned to get my physical self back to fitness, but in the meantime – I am giving me and my belly a break. I have even started cradling it like Meghan the Duchess of Sussex cradled her baby bump – but not in public of course.
Stay tuned…
The Adventures of Permanent Lifestyle Change Girl: No Girdle today!