My eating, the Mirror, the scale, video of me performing (Egads!)
There is no denying it. I have become a fat bitch again. Don’t despair folks. We obese people can say these things about ourselves. And no matter how many of my dear ones smack my hand or pound the table as they offer their support by saying: “Don’t say those things about yourself!” The truth is that I have to face the truth. No matter how well I sing and no matter how much the people love me in spite of the rolls of flesh I try to mask, drape over, hide and cover up – the fat exists. We exist together and I am not liking it one iota.
No matter how many plus sized women I see bouncing around proudly displaying their flesh, it does not make me want to keep this body any longer. I don’t hate myself. I just hate being obese. And besides, despite their proclamations of “I love my curves!,” all of those famous fat bitches have dropped the weight. (see Jeninifer Hudson, Queen Latifah, MOnique) The weight has made my knees ache and I’m out of breath with the minimal amount of exertion. Case in point: I watched a video of a rather great performance but I could see how labored my breathing and breathy my singing was with the slightest amount of dancing on stage. Boo! It’s time to get in shape. I know that the Human body is amazing that way. The more you do, the more you can do. I walk around my immobile work-out equipment in my house. It is covered in dust. A cobweb spans between the some pieces. Time to get on the gear again.
I finally replaced the dead battery in my weight scale. That helped a lot. The scale does not lie. I weigh every day and when I am semi committed to watching what I eat I lose a few pounds. Then I go back to eating copious amounts of food and they creep back up again. By the way, I have lost 20 pounds. But I realize that I have still not committed to the long haul. The secret to weight loss and healthy living for someone like me is the day to day – strike that – minute by minute scrutiny. I have to unlearn my old habits of eating with total abandon because, honestly, I can eat like a motherfucker. I can eat till it hurts to breathe. It’s a compulsion really. So I have to control myself. I love to drink in excess also. I also smoke. All of this crap I have done to my body has given me an overall sense of yuck. I don’t like the way I feel. I hate the way I look and I miss feeling comfortable. I miss feeling healthy and in tune with my body. Fitness has so many benefits. I do not want to accept this current state of my physical self. I am going to change it now. Starting this very moment.
It’s time for me to take stock of my life. The good thing is that things are looking up. After several years of financial disarray due in part to the Recession and a big part due to my slacking off (eating like a pig, letting myself and everything else go) I have managed to rally in other areas of my life. I have stepped out of my comfort zone (doing plays, singing in ensemble situations and and of course putting together the Nina Simone tribute) with wonderful results. I feel good and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel energized and beloved and at the top of my game. I am done with just letting my life happen to me. I have decided to recommit to getting my physical self back in order. It’s going to be a hard and arduous journey but there is no other choice. Besides, I’ve done it before. It’s time to stop looking back at my weight loss and subsequent return to obesity as the biggest failure of my life. It’s just another part of my journey. And it’s great fodder for my one woman show.
So I am bringing back “The Adventures of Permanent Lifestyle Change Girl.” I am giving myself a goal. After two sold out and near sold out shows at City Winery Chicago, they have decided to give me a show at the New York venue. I need to get in shape for NYC. And “in shape” I will be.
The journey starts right now. Stay tuned…
