Tonight I perform an encore performance of my Nina Simone Show and of course I am all nervous and panicked about: wardrobe, tickets sales and everything else! It’s funny because I really do consider this show as one of the best things I’ve done in concert to date. So why all the nerves and insecurity?
Last time we sold out, which was fabulous but it created no small amount of pressure on me to repeat this for tonight’s show. Anything less than a sell out could be viewed as a failure. OY! I have been a bit worried as ticket sales were slow even though the box office said in their opinion the sales were great. I was a guest on the NPR affiliate WBEZ in which I sang and was interviewed by the most wonderful Rick Kogan and that performance boosted sales a lot. Remember folks we ain’t talking a thousand seats here – just three hundred. I have never experienced sell outs before this year. It’s a blessing and a curse because now it is always the goal … Oh the pressure!
I woke up this morning in a panic. The two gowns I chose for the night seemed wholly inappropriate. Suddenly these two lovely dresses that have hung in my diva room (third bedroom/costume and prop room) seemed too casual, too pedestrian, not “diva-like” at all. For weeks I have taken solace in the fact that “at least I know what I’m wearing!” But to change now means I must change everything – accessories (also laid out and ready to pack) and rethinking my concept for my appearance is turning into a wild chase about my flat ripping things out of drawers and keepsake bags. What will hide my belly? What will make me look less fat?
The first time I did this show I was prepared but nervous about practical matters. Before this morning I was calm and somewhat confident. What has changed? I let my insecurity seep in like the old water leak that never gets fixed. I just patch over it, sand and paint. I forgot in all the preparation for this night that I have to go inward and call forth the possession that this great artist demands and forget my self-doubts.
Tonight, I am ready to give in to the absolute connection I have with Nina Simone and her music and share our kindred spirits on stage. I will go forth and sing my heart out, put myself on the line – my inner self. It doesn’t matter what I wear. Nina Simone sang what she wanted whenever she wanted. Her eclectic choice of music reaches me and allows me to utilize all of my performance layers: theatricality, emotion, humor, power and rhythm which combined with the collaboration of my truly gifted musicians is what this evening’s performance is about. The vulnerability I feel right now is right. I am putting myself out there and the risk I must take in doing so is the joy of being an artist. It hurts to take a chance, to know I will be judged, but that is the point isn’t it? Fans come to see it, to experience it – to watch me do this. I am prepared to bleed. I am the singer. I am ready.
I am ready!
