A Great Big Diva!

By

“Getting old ain’t for sissies!” – Bette Davis

“We are always the same age inside.” – Gertrude Stein

Hell yeah! That’s me! and all of you other old farts talking about “age ain’t nothing but a number” and so on – can kiss my wrinkled old ass! Actually wrinkles are not my problem, but if I discover another ache I’m gonna scream! Getting out of a chair ain’t what it used to be! And my life cycles are all outta whack as I speedily leave my childbearing years behind me.

Luckily, my youth was spent in glasses with bad vision, so losing my eyesight is no biggee, and I was never thin when I was young nor did I feel exceptionally beautiful so I don’t miss the beauty of youth. However, I do notice that my menstrual cycles (which lasts about a minute now) begins with cramps like I’ve never felt before. I have more facial hair than ever before and though I have no gray hairs on my head, I do have one white hair that regularly appears in my beauty mark (see mole) on my chin. By the way my beauty mark which used to look like it was a dot made from a kohl pencil has now become an old lady mole with a white hair poking out of it like some Looney Tunes witch. “Ain’t nothing but a number” – my ass!

Unmarried, childless – I have become an old maid – well actually a swinging old maid past the bloom of youth – a crone! It sounds so poetic…

EEheeheeheeheeheehee! I am practicing my best witch laugh.

But seriously folks, I ain’t miserable nor depressed because middle age sure beats the hell out of the alternative. And other than the Recession, life hasn’t been better.

I gotta go put some more heat on my achey knees.

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  2. OMG being 9 years your senior and an “old maid teacher” I totally understand. I have two “goat hairs” as I fondly refer to them, but no beauty mark! If I forget to pull them out, David my hair stylist does the honors. In light of the economy, you will save money when you don’t have to buy those feminine products every month. When it all ended I was thrilled. I wasn’t using it anyhow! Yes life is good as long as we are among the living. Live each day to it’s fullest and ENJOY!

  3. You ladies are cracking me up! For the record, since I had OA/RA when I was 30, I think I have all you old broads beat! So there! But I will say my sky-drive bad shoulder kicked arse last night….. and my OA is getting worse. or I might have RA, who knows!

  4. As I crawl outta bed, I hear the snaps and pops of my ligaments as they all face a day of vertical propelsion.(sp) I have to deal with my back (which is crooked as a dogs hind leg and back then they never screened for sciolosis so I am basically screwed) so I go forward with a day of walking, sitting standing and it gets more painful when I go to the gym. As for climate control, I pretty much can empathise with the aliens on Mercury~my body has a thermometer than mortal beings could not survive. I am hotter than a fuckin stove, then freezing cold b/c my armpits are all wet b/c of the power surge I JUST had. Yeah, being a woman is to be honored, worshipped and respected. MEN could never handle this shit.

  5. Sorry to hear about that shoulder baby girl. My OA started at 19 when I tore up my knee the first time as a fastpitch softball catcher in 1970. I waited to have surgery until arthroscopic knee surgery was invented if you can believe that!! Too many of my Dad’s college football mates had stiff knees after surgery. The thought of that scared me. In 1986 I had all the torn cartilage removed at last!! No more catching or locking up. Now 24 years later both knees are bone on bone. Those damn joints just don’t last when abused! Take care of yours honey, or what’s left of them! At least today all the great medical options are out there. Take care and watch out for “goat hairs”.

    • You should write more about your joints. It’s interesting. But only as a youth could you have waited that long for surgery right?

  6. Funny how I am approaching menopause the same time my daughter are having cramps. The surges come and go but its the aches and pains that really start to annoy the shit outta me. I miss not partying like I used to. Boo Hoo.

    • Oh, to have daughters. I have two dear friends who have two daughters. It’s so lovely. I am so happy that I have gotten to know M & C via FB. I missed an entire world by not having children but I do have my own wonders in my life so I won’t go all melancholy… : )

      Aches & pains — Oy! It’s a real drag. I have to admit it. I’m getting old. But that’s okay too. I still party by the way whenever I get the chance!! We must reunite and catch up on those daze!

  7. They LOOOOOOOVVVE you. You are “Auntie Lynne” in their eyes. I told them we should all go to Chicago but then again, we will do illicit things so that would not be ok. Let it be known that I tell my students every day that I go home and thank the Lord I did not have sons. Whew.