I had a great day at the studio – mostly because I actually agreed to do it – and also because the producer really knows his shit and he approached me by saying:
“Lynne I have a spot that you’d be perfect for!”
And so I spent the night before the session worrying and anticipating the best and the worst. This was way out of my comfort zone. Hell, in the past I would have blown the opportunity off.
Fear would spring into my brain and I would tell myself:
“I can’t do it. I will fuck this up. I can’t do this session-singing thing.”
Back in the day, I would have said to the producer:
“Oh no, I’m working and can’t make the session.”
The truth is I tried session singing once or twice. And I was traumatized by the experience.
There are singers out there who can hear a piece of music in the studio, process it like a computer and then spit it back out in a recording session – on the spot. I got called to do this kind of session work once or twice in my life. I couldn’t hear a melody one minute and then immediately turn around sing it at performance level. And I was totally unable to do that quick sight-reading thing. Once I had a studio session with two singers who were total session singing pros. I had never been in a session like that before and I kept screwing up my part – the other two chicks had their parts immediately and we kept having to do take after take because of me. I felt like such a schmuck.
I kept thinking:
I am so out of my league. Why don’t they send me home and get somebody else in here?
That was more than sixteen years ago. And I have been beating myself up about it ever since.
And so I never pursued this type of work nor did I take up opportunities that came my way.
What a pussy!
Talk about the power of negative thinking. I obviously misplaced my power bracelets.
I was once accused of being afraid of success. I think it may be quite the opposite… I am afraid of failure – not just because I hate failing – I just hate screwing up. Then to avoid screwing up I stick to what has always worked for me – familiar territory – the comfort zone.
However, the comfort zone has started to feel like “the nowhere plateau.”
Don’t get me wrong. I love performing with my wonderful band. I will always have my band no matter what. I love my clients and I love the journey of turning a group of people who are unfamiliar with each other into one big party of dancing souls, and thankfully, I have been spared some of the mega abuses that many artists have suffered at the hands of this ruthless business. My friends look at me and think I have a successful career and though it has served me well enough financially in the past, ( I used to be flat, flat broke – “poor as a church mouse” – someone once put it) it has not eliminated this gut feeling that time is slipping by me and this is not enough. I feel like a tremendously gifted talent on one hand and a total loser on the other. I don’t expect to approach Beyonce’s or Madonna’s level, but I know in my heart that I am capable of so much more. e.g my one woman show, studio work, writing, acting…
Anyone who makes it in show business should be applauded because it is not easy. It takes way more than great talent to succeed. It takes a whole lot of ego, thick skin, balls of steel and a serious work ethic to really make it in this business. And even though I am innately shy, nothing makes me feel better than walking off that stage after I muster the guts to to get up there. I always feel energized, euphoric… happy.
So, you know what? I’m never gonna give up trying! And I’m not gonna be afraid to fail anymore.
Sometimes you win and sometimes you get your ass whipped but you don’t give up, the key is to live to face another day.
Is there anyone else out there who believes they are not fulfilling their potential? And is it making you freeze in your tracks as opposed to hustling for your dream?
Well you did it, unlike me stuck in a rut with no job and not sure which way to go. All of your friends wish the best for you and know you can do it. Challenges help you to take it one step further. Well you did it and you can do it again. You can do that one woman show, you are amazing and go for all you can because life is too short.
Thanks Cindy! You are the best. You have always been there, nonjudgemental, steadfast… lending a helpful hand from the very beginning…
Thanks Cindy! You are the best friend ever! and if you think I can do a one woman show at this point, so can you do something you want to do!
Bravo Lynne! It is so hard to keep pushing yourself. Much easier to chill in a comfortable, familiar zone. I think creative people just have a constantly evolving requirement to keep leaping over hurdles. I’ve been there many times and its easy to forget that its about the journey, not the destination.
Thanks for posting this, Lovely One. It was very inspiring! I, too, feel like I’m a living dichotomy: Really talented and capable, and loser because I haven’t directed my abilities to realize my best potential career-wise. It sucks. But the tide feels like it’s turning for me, too, now that I’ve begun directing more and steering my acting toward theatrical venues outside my local (Minneapolis, which is a booming theater, film broadcast hub) and pursuing feature film work. So, thanks for seizing the opportunity to break through the comfort zone and opening up new horizons for yourself! Kinda gives me permission to do the same! Love ya, Sweet Thing!
Thank you! I keep thinking that it was to personal or made me look like a loser or worse yet… Who cares!!
But glad to hear that I’m not the only one. It’s one thing to feel this way in your 20’s but I’m almost 50!!! OY!
FLY GIRL: You always have such soothing words for this issue. I will never forget when you called it “growing pains.” I was thinking of how you would make me feel better when I wrote this post!
Hello lady!
I can’t wait to hear how your class goes….you should give classes! I think it’s easier to discount ourselves just in case…but there really is no safe way to be happy…we have to lay it out there. If you pay attention to all your fans and friends…and trust me, no-one is yankin’ your chain….you are a force; graceful, sexy, sassy, a lady bringin’ it. I remember way back to Heartland and am going to aim for coming to one of the Cabaret shows. I WANT THAT ONE WOMAN SHOW….LYNNE, IT IS SOMETHING YOU ARE MEANT TO DO!!!
xoxo
Michelle
Thank you so much Michelle. I don’t know why I haven’t done it. But no matter, the time is now!! The class went well. will talk about it.
You go girl! I use to say I never failed at anything, truth was I never succeeded either. Like Kelly Osborn, when I realized my life was “beige” I started to make changes. Some of my most memorable moments are my failures…and the successes that followed. GO FOR IT.
Thanks so much!!
To be honest, I don’t know your singing. I’ve just stumbled upon your blog after a reference by Roger Ebert to your be-polite-to-cabbies blog post.
But I’d like to compliment you on your writing. This bit about your fears of session work, concerns about success, the future, time … well it’s just so good. You’re a fine writer.
UPDATE: I checked out your audio clips on myspace. You ARE a fine singer as well as a very good writer.
Bless his heart! and thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Perhaps you will hear me sing one day. You can get a sample go to my website:
http://www.lynnejordan.com
You can access it by a link on this blog – down at the bottom…cheers!
Bob: My stupid assed comment viewer cut off your compliment on my writing!! I just saw it when I came back to be inspired by what I wrote this day.
You have made my day!!! Thank you! Thank you!
Thanks again…