Boys Will Be Boys

Okay, the first time it happened I just snickered and pretty much kept it to myself but after the third time a “twenty-something” hit on me in one week, I decided that I had to publish a report to all of you.

Y’all know I been keeping my own company at home to the brink of insanity. No late night partying at the bars and clubs for months. But then I decided to venture out again and revisit that part of city life that brought me such happiness before. It was after all at a gay night/industry party that I picked up that 24 year old pro Hockey Player – I was 44 at the time… and that joyful occasion kicked off a subsequent year of “Cougarity” in my life.
More on that later…

So earlier this week I strike up a conversation with a young lad (of twenty-seven or so) Remember I hadn’t been out in ages and so there was a lot of “where ya been?” and “haven’t seen you out lately” and then the conversation took a more… eh… suggestive tone. And it wasn’t on my part! Hell, there was no “suggesting” at all. My fine young friend basically said he wanted to______________ (you can fill in the blank) me and then started referring to the _______________(put your number in inches here) of his ______(place a body part here) and how I would just love it.

Picture the shocked look on my face.

Are you on drugs? I asked.

No. Are you? Do you wanna be?

The rest of the conversation consisted of his now pleading his case and my refusing to accept that he was serious.

Stop saying that!

You’re drunk! You’re high! Shut up!

We were thankfully interrupted by the entrance of a half nude man with the body of a young Arnold Schwartzenegger. (he had just finished dancing – it was Gay night after all) We both stopped talking and turned to observe this particular vision of sweaty male splendor.

My pleading young man turns to me and says:

That’s a body I can only dream of having.

I reply: Me too.

I forgot to mention that my pleading young man happens to be about a third of my size. Imagine a Chihuahua humping a St. Bernard. That was the picture in my head.

It was too crazy!

Twenty something #2
My dear friend calls me up late to go to our favorite bar (back in the day) for a drink. Excellent I think to myself. It’ll be fun. I will have a ride.

Well, said boy proceeds to get very drunk and then starts telling me how sexy I am, and how he’s always wanted to___________(fill in the blank again) me and how good he is gonna make me feel.

Picture my shocked face again.

I am dying to get home to see if the Moon is in Venus or if Mars in retrograde or something, cause this is too nuts!!

Twenty something #3
Then tonight I run into yet another hot boy aquaintance at the movies. We are both going to see the same flick: “Goodbye Solo” (lovely, gentle film by the way – Ebert gives it four stars)

I am feeling such a platonic friendliness with this fellow that I go ahead and order my big assed bag of popcorn with butter and a large drink. I shoulda known better.

Note: This film is neither a heated love story nor are there any sexy undertones in it.

I must admit that I was a bit wary at first. I figure anything is possible after my last two encounters with young male friends. But I decided to discount them as the inevitable outcome when you combine late hours with alcohol and hormones.

But noooo… suddenly my “pal” starts molesting my fingers during the movie. I thought if I just keep them in my popcorn bag he would get the hint… NOPE. He starts grabbing my hands full of popcorn and placing it in his mouth so I was actually feeding him. EWWW!!!

I’d had enough.

Stop it! (in the same tone I use with Shana when she is scratching my furniture, and it was just as ineffective on him)

He just laughs.

You love it!

I’m gonna kick your ass! Are you high?

He laughs again.

HUGE SIGH

I decide: Why fight the feeling? It’s bigger than the both of us. And besides, he is really hot.

This boy stands six foot four inches tall.

I gotta go back and see “Goodbye Solo” again. I think I missed some parts.