Before Take Off

So my darlings… Instead of languishing in business class I am scrunched up in coach (grrr) Bad weather caused a flight cancellation yesterday and the poor unfortunates from last night’s flight got bumped onto mine and one of the dirty paying bastards bumped me out of my business seat… After I drink another wine I’ll go hunting for the beeyatch who took my seat.

Remember I was the last soul to board. You shoulda seen the folks with solo seats shaking in their boots at the prospect that I was gonna land next to them!!

At first I was relegated to a rather attractive but seemingly obnoxious euro boy ( kinda looked like an athelete who I woulda had for breakfast had I had my DIVA-armor on) Anyway, Mr. Mac Muffin was not thrilled to have me by him and I was PMSing and the feeling was so mutual. Plus all of his friends were laughing when it became apparent that I was his seat mate.

And he was sprawled all over the two seats. I had to ask him to remove his legs off my seat! There was nowhere for me to stow my luggage and every time I would leave the seat to go search for a place I’d return to find him sprawled all over the seat again.

I wanted to shout: FACE IT DUDE! I’M SITTING HERE! YOU CAN’T WISH THIS ONE AWAY!!

I sat down. And this little shit was still in solo seat dreamland – legs everywhere! Then I looked around and I was surrounded by them. Aryan stud puppies to the left and behind… We both sat there staring straight ahead into the back of the seats in front of us in mutual hell.

He turns to me and makes an attempt to communicate:

Mc McMuffin: “garble, shplunk… (more inintelligible utterings)
Me: What?
McMuffin: blabba blabba goyk… you sit by window?
Me: No.
McMuffin: (apparent shock) “No by window?”
Me: NO, me too fat to by window… (muttered under breath) stupid muthafucka… (to myself) you are fine tho…
McMuffin: goo-lin knobbydee fred, possible?
Me: What?
McMuffin: knobbydee fred, possible?
Me: What?
Mcmuffin: knobbydee fred possible?
Me: I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying…

Apparently McMuff wanted me to switch aisle seats with his friend Joe Cocker – well, that’s what he looked like! I leaned my head back to view my possible future tormentors – to weigh the one evil against the other – and they looked harmless enough… middle aged couple, kind of hip, bose head phones and a Macbook!!

Me: No problem.

And so we (me & Joe Cocker) switched seats.

McMuff: danka
Me: Eat Me! Good riddance!