I had a dream about Roger Ebert the other day. It wasn’t a bad dream – he didn’t die in the dream but it did involve my witnessing his health struggles. The dream disturbed me so much that I had to share it with my friend Barb. And then today he announced in his blog that he is “slowing down” and taking “a leave of presence.” (Leave it to Roger. He can always turn a phrase so cleverly.)
The cancer has returned.
This news devastated me.
I am so emotional right now. I feel silly for it.
Everyone who knows me, knows of my great admiration for Roger Ebert. (My 2010 Blog Post About Roger) He is my kindred spirit in our shared love for movies. I think of him as a mentor and one of my greatest supporters. I think everyone who has had the privilege of conversation with him or been the recipient of his praise – knows the spell he casts. He empowers you. And you know he suffers no fools gladly so even someone with my low self esteem couldn’t deny being praiseworthy afterwards. He is admired, adored and respected worldwide.
It is always my tendency to be positive, even Pollyanna-like in my optimism regarding his health. I would get downright defensive when people would ask me: “How’s Roger Ebert doing?” “Is he still working?”
I would say brightly: “He’s cancer free!” But the rotten rat bastard cancer has returned. Of course he is fighting it. But I can’t seem to fight this feeling of melancholia. It is akin to the emotions I felt when my dad got sick.
After reading his blog post now for the fourth time I must admit that the tone is – as always – upbeat and hopeful, so I shall follow his lead and be hopeful as well. Yet at this point I don’t know if I should prepare for the worst right along as I continue to hope for the best. And that is breaking my heart because I don’t want to prepare for the worst. I want Roger Ebert to see my one-woman show! I want him to live.
As Roger’s “favorite Diva” I have to tell you that I am very frightened right now. I wish I could say with certainty that I know I’m over reacting, after all “the man needs to slow down!” I reckoned as long as he was cranking out the work I could go merrily along. But as long as he’s got fight in him to live, then I ain’t burying him yet. I am sending him all my best hope and wishes while he fights this latest battle.
I have to hope for the best.
