A Great Big Diva!

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I’m beginning to sound like a fucking broken record. Really! And here comes my birthday tomorrow to remind me that time keeps on passing by. I am sick of myself. I am sick and tired of hearing myself talk about my “goals.”

I used to proclaim them:
I’m writing a one woman show
I’m going to record a new CD.
I’m going to take this career to the next level.
I’m going to lose weight and get back into good physical shape!
I’m going to clean my house!
I will stop repeating behavior that has gotten me into trouble: procrastinaion, over spending, avoidance.
And a new one: I must get out of debt.

But today at age 48, I have decided to just shut up. I’m sick of hearing myself talk about what I’m going to do.

I’m going to shut my mouth.

Whoops! There goes another one!

I thought that verbalizing my dreams would be the first step to my recovery. That is my recovery from doing nothing – standing still. I feel like time is passing me by on fast forward and I’m going to wake up ten years from now proclaiming the same old shit.

I’m writing a one woman show
I’m going to record a new CD.
I’m going to take this career to the next level.
I’m going to lose weight and get back into good physical shape!
I’m going to clean my house!
I will stop repeating behavior that has gotten me into trouble: procrastinaion, fear of disappointing people by saying “No”
I must get out of debt.

Today I am going to proclaim my fears. And maybe that is unwise. Perhaps verbalizing my fears will make me appear weak or unambitious. But it is the reality of me. I went to a dinner party and one of my friends asked me point blank:
Why don’t you create a vehicle to showcase your talents?

Another friend asked:
Why don’t you try out for Amerca’s Got Talent?

Another friend said:
You need to do another Cd like five years ago! Why don’t you record another Cd? C’mon already, you ain’t getting no younger! It’s time to get this shit going girl!

NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!

My fear is that I will never do anything. My fear is that I am not capable of finishing anything. My fear is that I will always be underprepared and unrealized. I fear that I will always be that person that everyone will talk about as that “girl with the talent and potential who never did anything with it.” I fear that my biggest fans and supporters will finally lose patience with me and my inaction. I fear that I will never do anything, not because of lack of talent or lack of opportunity, but because of I don’t have it in me to make the leap and do the work.

I had a friend who called me a self saboteur. Maybe.
Man, that hurt!

I can hear the audible gasps of anguish from my network of dear friends: You have done so much! I would kill for your career! But the truth is I feel as though I am floating along the stream of life collecting leaves and other debris along the way and now I am stuck solid between two rocks with the stream’s flow passing on beneath me.

How’s that for an image? Can you see it?

There has to be something wrong with someone as talented as I am, who can not follow through and make it happen. I fear there is something wrong with me. I fear that I am too much of a dreamer with no real follow through. I have the tools, I know how to make the lists and check ’em off. I have considered hiring a life coach but I fear that I won’t stick with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I am a good person: kind, good hearted, non judgmental and generous to a fault. I have tremendous natural talent. My band is amazing. When it comes to giving advice… I am amazing… when it comes to finance… I suck. When it comes to ambition and realizing my own life goals… I suck two times.

Sometimes I am just plain scared: scared of singing, scared of being hurt, scared of being broke, scared that I will never lose the weight, scared that I might be a big loser. I’m scared that everyone knows it.

Funny thing is, I feel better for having said it.

I feel relieved.

And I forgive myself.

I turn 49 tomorrow and I am afraid that there may be hope for me yet…

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Comments

  1. Oh honee child, I am now 50 and thinking the same thing only on a different level. It’s pretty scary to arrive at the half century mark and critize every aspect of your life. I am also fearful, to the point it keeps me up at night. I want to be around 50 more years and have a badass cane to whoopass with…Seriously, you are THE singer,but have you ever thought of putting all these marvelous words and experiences you put in your blog in a book? People would buy it. Us armchair travelers would love to journey with you and read your successes and mishaps. About the health/weight thing–eh, when you find something that works, let me know. Love you so much, my good friend. Happy Birthday. ( You do know my oldest daughters’ middle name is after you, right?)

  2. Oh honee child, I am now 50 and thinking the same thing only on a different level. It’s pretty scary to arrive at the half century mark and critize every aspect of your life. I am also fearful, to the point it keeps me up at night. I want to be around 50 more years and have a badass cane to whoopass with…Seriously, you are THE singer,but have you ever thought of putting all these marvelous words and experiences you put in your blog in a book? People would buy it. Us armchair travelers would love to journey with you and read your successes and mishaps. About the health/weight thing–eh, when you find something that works, let me know. Love you so much, my good friend. Happy Birthday. ( You do know my oldest daughters’ middle name is after you, right?)

  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNNE JORDAN! Now that you outed yourself do you feel relieved? Can’t believe you were just 33 the first time I saw you perform with Shivers on State in ’94! Didn’t learn much today that I haven’t known for some time. Yes your talent is huge and you’ve created opportunities that have allowed you to travel the world to showcase it. What have failed to do my talented friend is use those oppotunities to open doors beyond your current performance level. This is where that key element you mentioned is lacking a bit. Well, more than a bit.
    AMBITION! Get off the couch, turn off those fuckin’ movies on the DVD player, stay out of the theatre and get back to what the good Lord put you on this planet to do SING!! Get into the studio or wherever you need to go and start getting inspired to write some of your own songs. Originals by Lynne Jordan that you can record. You can have too many goals at once. Really focus in on that one and your confidence level will elevate so much that the weight will fall in line. You’ll be so happy with yourself and the fact that you moving forward in your life’s work it will be easier to eat right and exercise. Adrenaline is an awesome thing!!
    FEAR can freeze a person. Put yourself out there and take the chance. Without doing that you will be 89 saying I lament having the same goals every year. That CD should have been out more than 5 years ago, but there’s no time like the NOW to start. Look at Bonnie Raitt and you blogged about Sharon Jones! Many people get out there in there 40’s and beyond. C’mon birthday girl no lament, I want to see an ascent!!!!!!

    • I will never stay out of the movie theater. Movies have saved my life, enriched my life – they are as much a part of me as anything I do. I am a movie lover and damn proud of it! And that goes for seeing live music, live theater, art and reading books as well.

  4. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNNE JORDAN! Now that you outed yourself do you feel relieved? Can’t believe you were just 33 the first time I saw you perform with Shivers on State in ’94! Didn’t learn much today that I haven’t known for some time. Yes your talent is huge and you’ve created opportunities that have allowed you to travel the world to showcase it. What have failed to do my talented friend is use those oppotunities to open doors beyond your current performance level. This is where that key element you mentioned is lacking a bit. Well, more than a bit.
    AMBITION! Get off the couch, turn off those fuckin’ movies on the DVD player, stay out of the theatre and get back to what the good Lord put you on this planet to do SING!! Get into the studio or wherever you need to go and start getting inspired to write some of your own songs. Originals by Lynne Jordan that you can record. You can have too many goals at once. Really focus in on that one and your confidence level will elevate so much that the weight will fall in line. You’ll be so happy with yourself and the fact that you moving forward in your life’s work it will be easier to eat right and exercise. Adrenaline is an awesome thing!!
    FEAR can freeze a person. Put yourself out there and take the chance. Without doing that you will be 89 saying I lament having the same goals every year. That CD should have been out more than 5 years ago, but there’s no time like the NOW to start. Look at Bonnie Raitt and you blogged about Sharon Jones! Many people get out there in there 40’s and beyond. C’mon birthday girl no lament, I want to see an ascent!!!!!!

    • I will never stay out of the movie theater. Movies have saved my life, enriched my life – they are as much a part of me as anything I do. I am a movie lover and damn proud of it! And that goes for seeing live music, live theater, art and reading books as well.

  5. Financial issues best left to a professional! In your case girl have them put ya on a budget. That’s the tough thing about being single, we don’t have to discuss our spending with anyone. That can be great at times, but also DANGEROUS!!

  6. Financial issues best left to a professional! In your case girl have them put ya on a budget. That’s the tough thing about being single, we don’t have to discuss our spending with anyone. That can be great at times, but also DANGEROUS!!

    • Adrienne: I believe that it is a fear of success and the desire that people not make a fuss… over me. That whole “I’m not worthy” thing!

    • Adrienne: I believe that it is a fear of success and the desire that people not make a fuss… over me. That whole “I’m not worthy” thing!

  9. Here’s another! The Fear of Failure and Knowing Oneself
    One of the things that struck me about Rowling was her true type shinning through, as her fear of public speaking, (See video below). Her Six-like voice of stutters and half beliefs in why and how she became so famous. Doubters have a very hard time understanding that they can be special, have true talents or can be successful in life. Even to the point of fear ridden body aches and pains of not believing they are entitled to everything they have. In fact, most Doubters don’t even believe they are successful—though the million of fans screaming your name might give a clue to that success Rowling.

  10. Here’s another! The Fear of Failure and Knowing Oneself
    One of the things that struck me about Rowling was her true type shinning through, as her fear of public speaking, (See video below). Her Six-like voice of stutters and half beliefs in why and how she became so famous. Doubters have a very hard time understanding that they can be special, have true talents or can be successful in life. Even to the point of fear ridden body aches and pains of not believing they are entitled to everything they have. In fact, most Doubters don’t even believe they are successful—though the million of fans screaming your name might give a clue to that success Rowling.

  13. @ Deb: Yes, indeed, adrenaline is quite the motivator. So Happy day, girl and know that your parents are certainly in Heaven with mine and SO proud of you. Especailly your mama who’s only wish was for you to be happy with your life. So, if ya don’t like it, change it. I believe very much in that life is what you make of it not that it is predestined. You are smart, beautiful and such a VOICE! My singing makes my dogs howl.. 🙂 best wishes.

  14. @ Deb: Yes, indeed, adrenaline is quite the motivator. So Happy day, girl and know that your parents are certainly in Heaven with mine and SO proud of you. Especailly your mama who’s only wish was for you to be happy with your life. So, if ya don’t like it, change it. I believe very much in that life is what you make of it not that it is predestined. You are smart, beautiful and such a VOICE! My singing makes my dogs howl.. 🙂 best wishes.

  15. OUCH!! My motivativational words flopped and were truly not an attack on the fine arts. However, we rarely like to hear what we need to get done. My house is a mess and I need to lose weight big time. Both are lifelong challeges for me so I totally relate. Being nine years your senior I too wonder if it will ever change. In my work it’s a different story however. It gets all of my best efforts and always has. Sorry I struck a nerve when I meant to inspire dear friend. You are one of my idols believe it or not. Truly admire your talent and way with people. You know you are #1 in my book.

    • No, your words didn’t flop but your approach stunk.. I just decided not to engage you on the other stuff. You missed the point of the blog. Because you don’t really know me that well you don’t know that this whole thing is a process for me. It wasn’t a plea for someone to take me on but a simple lament and honest statement of what was going on in my heart at the moment. It is a process that you can not bully out of me.
      I just decided not to engage you on the other stuff. Funny that I felt the need to staunchly defend my love of movies!

      You have always voiced your opinions about what I should sing and what you thought I should be doing so I wasn’t surprised by your comment. It does bug me when you do it like you did initially but I just take it in stride. But I did take strong offense at your bitching about my going to the movies as though it was some obstacle to my success. I am far more of an introvert than the persona I project on stage.

  16. OUCH!! My motivativational words flopped and were truly not an attack on the fine arts. However, we rarely like to hear what we need to get done. My house is a mess and I need to lose weight big time. Both are lifelong challeges for me so I totally relate. Being nine years your senior I too wonder if it will ever change. In my work it’s a different story however. It gets all of my best efforts and always has. Sorry I struck a nerve when I meant to inspire dear friend. You are one of my idols believe it or not. Truly admire your talent and way with people. You know you are #1 in my book.

    • No, your words didn’t flop but your approach stunk.. I just decided not to engage you on the other stuff. You missed the point of the blog. Because you don’t really know me that well you don’t know that this whole thing is a process for me. It wasn’t a plea for someone to take me on but a simple lament and honest statement of what was going on in my heart at the moment. It is a process that you can not bully out of me.
      I just decided not to engage you on the other stuff. Funny that I felt the need to staunchly defend my love of movies!

      You have always voiced your opinions about what I should sing and what you thought I should be doing so I wasn’t surprised by your comment. It does bug me when you do it like you did initially but I just take it in stride. But I did take strong offense at your bitching about my going to the movies as though it was some obstacle to my success. I am far more of an introvert than the persona I project on stage.